It Isn't Easy Being Green...

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
-Julius H. Marx

In a presidential election does a candidates color matter? Should it matter?

I think it should and it does. Now, I'm not referring to any colors of the human palette. This isn't a racial issue.

I'm referring to the color green. No, not that environmental green that everyone panders to today.

I'm talking about that green as a pickle color of inexperience.

Senator Obama wows the crowds and talks a great game but what has he done? What big state like California, Texas or Illinois has he run?

What major company or institution bears the mark of his expertise and experience? I can't think of any either.

I am no fan of Senator Hillary Clinton, but she was right on the mark with that ad featuring the ringing red phone at 3AM.

But he's the next Jack Kennedy they say. Right. I remember him, isn't he that guy that was banging Marilyn and all those Mafia hookers. Yeah, the guy who was so buzzed up on pain killers that he orchestrated that stunning victory at the Bay of Pigs. You know the guy that woke up one morning, realized that he had banned Cuban cigars and dispatched Pierre Salinger to round up as many as he could before it went into effect.

OK, get your brains blown out in the back of a Buick and you become the sainted martyr and example of presidential timber forever in the misty memories of time.

Remember Lloyd Bentsen's barb at Dan Quayle- Senator I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. You're no Jack Kennedy. Well hell, Jack Kennedy was no Jack Kennedy and niether is Senator Obama.

So, who's left? Now I admire John McCains patriotism, character and leadership but do we have to settle for the AARP poster boy for leadership of the free world?

Somehow I don't think the cream is rising to the top.

Let's all write in Robin Williams for president.

Liven up Your Conversations With Dead Languages!

Here are some snappy Latin phrases you can use to annoy your bartender or confuse your cat:

Advocatus Dioboli- The Devil's Advocate

Alterum ictum faciam- I'm going to take a mulligan.

Amicule, deliciae, num is num qui mantiar tibi? Baby, Sweetheart, would I lie to you?

Ascendo tuum- Up yours

Bovina sancta! -Holy cow!

Catapultum habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam- I have a catapult. Give me all your money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Certamen bikini-suicidus-disci mox coepit?- Does the bikini-suicide-frisbee match start soon?

Certe, Toto, sentio nos in kansate non iam adesse-You know Toto, I have a feeling We're not in Kansas anymore.

Cogito sumere potum alterum- I think I'll have another drink.

Conlige suspectos semper habitos- Round up the usual suspects

Credo elvem etiam- I believe Elvis lives

Fact ut nemo me vocet- Hold my calls

Furnulum pani nolo- I don't want a toaster

Machina improba! Vel mihi ede potum vel mihi redde nummos mios!- You infernal machine! Give me a beverage or give me my money back!

Me tansmitte sursum, Caledoni! - Beam me up Scotti!

Suntne vacci laeti? Are your cows happy?

Well, I hope you enjoy your new language skills responsibly. Always have a few cocktails before trying these out.

Pardon me while I have a strange interlude...

What evil lurks in the hearts of men. Hell if I know.

If we don't all kill one another on the way to and from work we may survive until Happy Hour.

Ah, the rinse cycle. Absolution with tonic. It removes the days' barnacles.

I long ago established the following principles with regards to the happy hour ritual:

Rinse Cycle Good.

Spin Cycle not good.

Tumble Dry out of the question.

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Well, those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

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I look forward to foisting random mental discharges on unsuspecting readers in the near future.